<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I just need sleep (maybe even sleep forever) by Delirious_Insanity</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27892696">I just need sleep (maybe even sleep forever)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delirious_Insanity/pseuds/Delirious_Insanity'>Delirious_Insanity</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tired, in more ways than one [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stranger Things (TV 2016)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotionally Repressed, Gen, Good Babysitter Steve Harrington, Hurt Steve Harrington, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Steve Harrington Has Bad Parents, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Steve Harrington-centric, Tired Steve Harrington</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 16:40:50</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>946</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27892696</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delirious_Insanity/pseuds/Delirious_Insanity</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He floated, tired and exhausted and hurt and lost and-</p><p>And everything. And all of the above. </p><p>But, most of all, Steve was done.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Past Steve Harrington/Nancy Wheeler - Relationship, Steve Harrington &amp; Jim "Chief" Hopper, Steve Harrington &amp; Steve Harrington's Father, Steve Harrington &amp; The Party</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tired, in more ways than one [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2042470</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>117</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I just need sleep (maybe even sleep forever)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Steve was tired.</p><p>Exhausted. </p><p>Emotionally, physically. No matter what he did, he just couldn't feel awake. Everything felt like a fever dream.</p><p>When he walked from class to class, not even paying attention to what the teachers were saying.</p><p>Running on automatic. </p><p>His eyes were blank, his chest empty. The smiles and laughs were fake, but not harsh. He perfected them a long time ago.</p><p>Long before the Upside Down, before Nancy Wheeler. Long before "King Steve". He perfected the look at dinner parties, where he was the model son, someone smart and handsome. Someone that would go somewhere in life.</p><p>Instead, he learned how to fake his emotions. How to fake it so well, he sometimes believed it. How he confused himself because his brain was telling him something, while his heart was quiet. </p><p>
  <em>(His mind told him to laugh, that he was happy, but his chest was a void, a blank space. He didn't feel happy, but his mind said he was, so he smiled and laughed. After all, you're supposed to trust your mind, right?)</em>
</p><p>Steve floated by the world, never truly experiencing it. His eyes were open, but they were hazed over, not truly seeing. </p><p>When his parents came home, his life turned bleak. There was no fake smiles and laughs, there were harsh "Yes sirs" and "No sirs". There were cold hugs and blown wide eyes, breath that smelled like his mothers rose wine. </p><p>There were voices in the air, spitting insults and degrading him as if he was an employee, not their son. Sometimes things escalated, things got thrown, people got hurt. </p><p>But he stopped feeling a long time ago, so why should pain bother him? Why should the words send sparks of hurt into his heart, the only thing he could feel since he could remember?</p><p>Then came Nancy. </p><p>He thought he could do it for her. That he could feel for her. He was even starting to feel something similar to love, or how it's described in movies. He could see their future, where his smiles weren't fake and their kids were loved. </p><p>Then came the party. The party where he was bullshit, where she had never loved him. Where said "love" was bullshit.</p><p>
  <em>(Look, he knows how hard it must've been. He was trying, but sometimes he was too tired to try and fake it. He thought she understood, that they could learn to love and be happy, but apparently it was all bullshit.)</em>
</p><p>So, Steve is tired. </p><p>He had essentially given up, because the best he could ever do was be a babysitter. And wasn't that just sad?</p><p>He was king, he had everything, but the crown was covered in gasoline, and he burned with it. </p><p>Now, he fought dimensional monsters, suffering from a concussion and an empty, tired heart. He could feel each stretch of muscle as he swung his nail-embedded bat, but he felt nothing but tired. </p><p>Dustin and the Party were filling up the cavern with gasoline, screaming at one another to hurry up. He fought the ones that got too close, that almost hurt the Party. While no one cared if he came home, <em> including himself</em>, the kids all had families that cared. </p><p>Families that loved in encouraging words, cared in gentle embraces, and used simple consequences.</p><p>(Ones that don't involve closets, no food, harsh slaps and kicks. Instead, they were sent to their room, or had a toy taken away. But it's okay, he doesn't want them hurt. No matter what.)</p><p>He used his only lighter to set the cavern aflame, watched as it got swallowed in dancing orange and yellow shapes. Followed when the growls were directed at them, helped when they reached the rope, and covered when he thought they were going to be attacked. </p><p>They all survived, and he took the kids back to Mrs. Byers house, loaded up an unconscious Billy, drove him home and left him in the Camaro.</p><p>
  <em>(He ignored the throbbing in his head, the way his eyes blurred every couple minutes.)</em>
</p><p>He walked back, silently got in his car, and drove home. He ignored the bright lights and happy figures that danced behind windows, the sounds of relief that spilled from frozen lips. </p><p>Instead, he drove. He drove to a house with a single light on, where his father would be waiting, angry and explosive. </p><p>Where his mother would be sleeping because of pills and alcohol, oblivious to the fighting and screaming that's happening in her basement. </p><p>Of course, no one could hear anyway, the basement was sound proofed long ago.</p><p>But, Steve drove. He drove and he hurt and he failed. But only because he knew he could handle it, because he would rather be the one getting punched and kicked for the second time in a row than it be one of the kids. </p><p>Because he was a good liar, one that knew how to convince someone he was just clumsy and, "What do you mean? My parents love me very much! Call and ask them yourselves!" </p><p>He could hide the bruises, he could hide the physical scars. But he never thought to hide the ones seen in his eyes. </p><p>Hopper could see behind his eyes, Steve knew it. He just couldn't bring himself to care. Hop could look and stare and think all he wanted, but there was nothing he could do to help him. </p><p>There was no evidence, they were never home.</p><p>There was literally nothing. </p><p>So, Hopper watched and Steve survived, never truly living. </p><p>He floated, tired and exhausted and hurt and lost and-</p><p>And everything. And all of the above. </p><p>But, most of all, Steve was done.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>